And I have never really believed in Spirits or Angels and sleep deprivation is very, very bad.

Quite frankly, I really did forget this blog existed. I just stumbled upon it trying to congratulate a good friend on a book he just published.

I am in Hawaii now on the island of Oahu and can safely say I just survived a year from hell. Hell does exist--even in paradise.

And no, I did not get divorced, my kids are healthy, no one very close to me passed away.

I keep shaking my head in disbelief--why did I stop writing? It helps me more than any well meaning therapist.

I don't care if my writing is dreck--it is for me. If you read it and get something out of it-good! If you think it's crap-okay by me.

This past year I thought I would die. It is a surreal experience when you feel that close to the other side. For a few weeks/months maybe, I felt like the Russell Crowe character in A Beautiful Mind. My husband likes to compare it to Shutter Island but that's too extreme and not fitting--but you get the idea.

Mama (yeah me) was very ill for the first time ever. The good part-and there is always a good part-is that my daughters became very close to their dad.

Sometimes I can't believe he's still here after what I put him through. My Atheist husband helping the fourth generation Toltec Shaman with his "energy" during the ceremony-(even with Pete's beautiful, strong, positive energy, it didn't work. I felt bad for the Shaman-he seemed so convinced it would work. But I felt much more upset for us)

It's just too much for one entry.

As I recovered, I was on a quest for spiritual guidance. I researched, perused the Internet, read more books, said Mantras, prayed, cried, begged for a healing from different practitioners of metaphysical healers. And yes, saw Western doctors and tried meds. that I hated.

As I discovered, Shamans can't always handle the job and remote healers cannot either.

It was/is up to me to be healthy and stay sane.

One psychic healer did help me and continues to offer support. SHE is an angel. But she warned me it was my work to keep my energy free from negativity-to live a life of Love and Light and practice non-judgement (kind of like Deepak Chopra has been writing for years-the non judgement part).

It is work to be happy. It is a practice.

What has been difficult has been the lack of sharing of this experience. I thought my wild past was behind me.